REVIEW: Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

      In my previous entry, I had mentioned that The Phantom Menace was fated to encounter a disappointing reaction, regardless of its quality, because nothing could live up to that amount of hype?  Well, it turned out the same fate awaited its sequel, which was somewhat pathetic given the lowered expectations facing Episode II on its release.   Welcome, ladies and gents, to the nadir of the Star Wars universe: Attack of the Clones.  I'm so, so sorry.

You know, the clones don't really attack anything, per se.  They rescue and defend against an attacking army.

    Attack of the Clones (AOTC) is set ten years after Episode I.   A separatist political movement led by ex-Jedi Count Dooku (Christopher Lee) is threatening the Republic, leading for calls for Chancellor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid) to create a standing army.  Padme Amidala (Natalie Portman), now a senator, leads the opposition to this movement, and as such, is targeted by assassins.  Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) and his padawan Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) are assigned to protect Padme, but Obi-Wan quickly discovers the political movement is far more complicated than anyone realized, and Anakin and Padme fall incomprehensibly in love.  Throughout it all, a devastating war is brewing.  Temeura Morrison plays Jango Fett, the bounty hunter tasked with overseeing Padme's death, and also plays the legions of clonetroopers to which the film's title refers.  Jimmy Smits and Joel Edgerton appear briefly as Bail Organa and Owen Lars, respectively, future guardians of classic characters.  Frank Oz, Anthony Daniels, Kenny Baker, Ahmed Best, Silas Carson and Pernilla August all return as well.

    Let me just get this out of the way:  I don't like this movie.  I know it's trendy to jump all over the prequels, but as I mentioned last time, for all its flaws I actually do like Episode I.  Episode III is reasonably decent.  This one, though - it's tough to watch.  It's clumsy, long, tedious, awkward, sloppy, and frankly, as a fan, embarrassing.

    It's interesting to note that a lot of the complaints audiences had with Episode I are addressed or rectified here.  Jar Jar Binks's presence, for example, is brief, constrained, and services the plot.  The midi-chlorians are absent, and there's no attempt to make the movie overtly cutesy or more child-friendly than necessary.  Actually, there's a fair amount of death, mutilation, and at least one decapitation, so you can't really accuse Lucas of pandering to the kids this time.  To tell the truth, AOTC really only has two issues with it.  The problem is that these two issues are enormous.

   

Jango Fett, Boba's baby daddy.  He's pictured here still ahead of the game.  He hasn't yet blown his top.  He's still keeping a lid on it.  He's keeping calm and not losing his...okay, I'll stop.

    The first problem is - once again- the script.  It's far worse than its predecessor.  For one thing, the dialogue is banal and unbelievably clunky.  Expository lines are unwieldy, and there are a lot of unnecessary moments thrown in which I think, in Lucas' mind, were supposed to be character bits but instead just emerge as drivel.  There's no rhythm to the movie - conversations are stilted and cuts between them do not flow.  The actors lack chemistry, and the entire cast feels like they're delivering lines from a bad translation of a low-budget B-movie.  Everyone, from McGregor on down, feels completely unnatural.  There are a handful of decent lines, but most of the quips and banter are artificial, conversations are sloppy, and a lot of the 'sincere' moments are cringe-worthy.

    It's not just the dialogue, though - the plot itself is a mess.  The political maneuverings are actually quite interesting, but they're handled in a bizarre, dismissive way that's never really clarified.  For example - what are the reasons for the political separation movement?  How is Dooku manipulating people?  Why did he leave the Jedi order?  What are Padme's specific motivations, or suggested solutions?  For that matter, why is ANYONE doing what they're doing in this movie?  None of that is addressed - though if you do the reading into the EU, etc, you can get some of those answers...but again, that's not how a movie is supposed to work.  Beyond that, the whole shadowy conspiracy to create the clone army is ridiculously convoluted...Lucas even goes so far as to create a character, long-dead, who never appears on screen as a key part of the plot, and then never explains what actually happened with this character, or why they did what they did.  It would have made far more sense to have Dooku himself be the instigator, and would have given the character more time to develop as a fleshed-out, nuanced being.  Of course, if you want a detailed, compelling character, you have to let someone who isn't George Lucas write it.

    As bad as these elements of the script and story are, though, they pale in comparison with the single biggest problem in the movie: the love story.  The romance between Anakin and Padme is easily the worst element in any Star Wars entry ever - and yes, I'm including the infamous Holiday Special in that statement.  At least that generated accidental comedy...though they do both, in their own way, generate Boba Fett.

This is it: the most painfully awful scene in all of Star Wars lore.  It may be one of the worst scenes in all of cinema.

    When I say that the love story is the second of two issues with the movie, I'm compressing all of the exasperating elements into one general topic.  It's written badly, it's directed badly, and it's acted badly, but what's so galling is that this is the plot element on which the entire Star Wars universe turns.  Anakin Skywalker is the key character in the saga, and his downfall - and that of the Republic - hinges upon where this plotline goes.  It is the core thread, and it was critical for Lucas to nail this, as it sets up everything that follows, so having him botch it as badly as he did undermined the entire series.

   Part of it is the acting - Portman is again wooden and distant in the role, though I do have the sense that she's trying a little harder this time.  Unfortunately, Padme is such a superficial role...the character is something of a Mary Sue, but largely devoid of personality.  You can see how she was meant to appear as noble, brave, self-sacrificing...but you have to read all that into her, because she just comes across as bland.  Even token attempts to flesh out her story fall flat...there's some babbling about her childhood in the 'Legislative Youth Program' prior to her being elected queen, and some talk of her youth on Naboo, but all this really just makes her seem vapid and a little nerdy.   Padme is certainly pretty, but she doesn't seem to be blessed with many other obvious assets...she's not portrayed as being of particularly above-average intelligence, charisma, humor, warmth or even kindness.  The audience is just supposed to accept her as 'good' because the script needs her to be.

    As for Anakin, I do feel somewhat badly for Christensen.  I think he was limited by the awful writing, but even taking that into consideration, he lacked skill, nuance, or depth...and his career has suffered for it.  In the hands of another actor perhaps Anakin might have been more compelling, but as long as he was at the mercy of a director who didn't gave a damn, it probably would not have made a difference.  Anakin is an ignorant, petulant, grating, whiny, irrational, and frankly creepy punk who feels entitled to whatever he wants.  Strangely, Lucas had a built-in logic for this...after all, Anakin is supposed to be 'the Chosen One'...but his actions aren't drawn from any kind of prophesied greatness, rather they come from a childish impatience.  He seems more like a selfish, spoiled brat than an ambitious young warrior, and it trivializes the character.  Instead of setting him up to appear like a Macbeth or an Othello, he comes across like a big baby.  Indeed, even his slaughter of the Tusken Raiders who torture and kill his mother is not a heartbroken outrage or shattering loss, it's nothing more than a temper tantrum.  And a badly written one, at that...there's no logical continuity between this twerp and Darth Vader.

Their love would inspire a galaxy....to fall asleep.

   The two characters are underdeveloped and poorly written - but the way Lucas wrote the love story with these two is a little disturbing.  It transpires that in the ten years since TPM, Anakin has developed a fixation on Padme, who's essentially forgotten all about him.  When they're thrust together, Anakin immediately beings awkwardly hitting on Padme, telling her how beautiful she is and how obsessed he's been, and her immediate reaction is to attempt to forestall this by saying she still thinks of him as the child he was, and then to point-blank ask him to stop leering at her.  Anakin then interprets this as encouragement, becoming increasingly creepy as he ogles her, paws at her, and makes both Padme and the audience more and more uncomfortable, even as she continues to rebuff him.    All of this leads to one of the worst-written scenes I've ever seen in any movie, where Padme (wearing a leather corset in front of a roaring fire, for reasons) tells Anakin flat out it's simply not happening.  This isn't the moment for two heartbroken star-crossed lovers, though - it's a college girl telling her creepy stalker classmate as politely as she can that they should just be friends.

   From there, the film moves on, and then just before the final action set-piece, all of a sudden Padme decides she's in love with Anakin.  It's abrupt, unexplained and illogical, but there it is - out of the blue, she declares in a lethargic monotone that she 'truly, deeply' loves him, and they kiss, as the score suddenly rouses itself into a stirring anthem, optimistically hopeful that the audience will buy it.   The movie then ends with the two of them getting married on Naboo in a scene with the two actors looking as bored as humanly possible.

   There's no explanation for Padme's shift.  I suppose you could argue it's borne from sympathy over Anakin's mother's death, about two-thirds of the way through the film, but that doesn't really scan.  My wife has a theory that during an earlier scene in which the two romp through a field of CGI armadillos, Padme hits her head and develops a galaxy-ruining concussion.  I may actually run with that idea.  Point being, though, the romance doesn't make sense.  It's clearly not genuine or reciprocal...Anakin doesn't love Padme, he fixates on the IDEA of Padme, and Padme is clearly disinterested at best.   The two actors have zero chemistry, which means there's no spark or attraction between the two, which might have helped sell it.  So what we actually get is a creepy teenage boy deciding that he wants the girl of his dreams, despite what she may think about it - and then the creep actually does get the girl, regardless of his behavior.  And this is the core relationship which will lead to the fall of the Jedi and the rise of the Empire...not a great foredoomed passion or a romance for the ages, but a post-adolescent creepshow.

"The hour grows late and and Lucas rides to Isengard, seeking my casting."  Lee as Count Dooku.

    The rest of the cast does what it can with the movie, but they're constrained.  Christopher Lee is a great addition to anything, and despite the cruddy dialogue, his Count Dooku is an interesting if underdeveloped character, with a captivating fencing style.  Ewan McGregor and Ian McDiarmid both do their best with what they're given and are probably the least-scathed characters in the movie.  Jackson's Mace Windu is, of course, a bad-ass, but like Dooku, we're not given a lot of time to have the the character get any real development.

    Morrison, as Jango Fett, is the Darth Maul of the movie - the new neat-looking secondary villain who'd sell a million action figures - and is actually a pretty decent addition.  He's also the means by which fans finally get an origin for the bounty hunter Boba Fett, possibly the most popular secondary character in Star Wars history.  Frank Oz, as Yoda, gets some good moments, imparting the character with both an impish, grandfatherly warmth as well as ferocity when we finally get to see the aged Jedi fight.  And everyone's favorite droid duo, Artoo and Threepio, have a couple of Laurel & Hardy bits in the last reel that add some levity to the depressing movie.  For some reason, I don't mind Threepio's antics the way I loath Jar Jar's.  They're unnecessary, but somehow maintain humor and a degree of cuteness.

Getting to see the Jedi in action was one of the film's few high points.

   While the movie's core is hopelessly mired in this mess, the film itself has a few positive things to mention.  It is visually appealing, as we've come to expect.  There are some fantastic new landscapes - the ocean planet of Kamino and the wastelands of Geonosis are striking new planets, and we get to see more of the vibrant capital of Coruscant and some new locations on Tatooine.  There are some new races and creatures to speak of - the insectoid hive-minded Geonosian race, which are key to the separatist plot, are fascinating, and there are three lethal creatures, which vaguely resemble a bull, scorpion, and tiger, respectively, that factor in to the movie's last reel that are memorable, well-rendered, and rather cool.

   I will say the last third of the movie is better than the rest of it, largely because it's built around an exciting action sequence that lets the Jedi loose in a colosseum-like death arena, and builds to an impressive show of military force as the clonetroopers descend en masse to save the day.  The climax of the movie involves a lightsaber showdown - as per usual - between Dooku and Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Yoda.  Each has their own distinct fighting style, and I've always appreciated that element of Star Wars lore (as I've mentioned, I'm a sucker for lightsabers), so playing up that angle is fine with me.  We also get to see our first new-colored lightsaber, as Sam Jackson wields his purple blade with aplomb.  There are also a batch of Jedi characters present who grabbed the attention of audiences, and who later came to be developed more fully in the Clone Wars show or the EU.

  The end of AOTC actually features what might be my favorite scene in the prequel trilogy, as Chancellor Palpatine and other senators watch the clonetroopers boarding their ships to go out and begin fighting the Clone Wars.  The symbolism of the scene is great - it's filmed at sunset, as the Imperial March rises to a crescendo, drowning out the fanfare of the Republic, heralding the rise of the Empire.  Palpatine's calm triumph is contrasted with Bail Organa's sadness at what we know is a major turning point in the story.  Indeed, when you come to realize how cleverly Palpatine has played all his cards, you have to respect him as a character.  Palpatine's growth and development is one of the best elements of the prequel era, even if a lot of it is subtle or even inferred.

Kit Fisto, ladies and gentlemen - let a smile be your lightsaber.

   Ultimately, this movie is a mess.  It's full of key events in the SW saga, almost all of which are mishandled.  It lacks emotion, depth, or heart, the cast has no chemistry, the plot varies between murky and trite, and half of it feels like a glorified toy commercial.  It looks great - the music, costumes, aliens, vehicles and locations are all spectacular - but that's all window dressing, unfortunately - what's inside is a galactic-level disappointment.  It's wasted potential, and Star Wars fans are incredibly lucky to have the existence of the Clone Wars animated film and series, which picks up following the end of AOTC and does a lot to redeem the characters and restore the overall SW universe.  Which is all well and good, but it makes AOTC even worse by comparison, when one considers how much better the movie could have been.

   The good news is that it only gets better from here.

FINAL RATING: 2 PAWS (OUT OF 10):

Next Up: Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith...